Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
