I met the friendliest cop last night
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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