I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
