it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
