Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
