We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
