best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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