I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He's a Shit stain on my heart
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
