Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
