The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
