Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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