I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
