On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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