I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
