Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
