Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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