I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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