five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I will pee on everything he values.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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