The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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