Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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