I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
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