You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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