Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
