I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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