i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
