I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
