broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
