last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
