I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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