He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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