You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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