i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
