I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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