Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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