why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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