i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
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