My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
