i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
