i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just gargled with NyQuil
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
