According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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