I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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