My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
