he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
