ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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