I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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