I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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