I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
