i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
