a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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