I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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