woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
