respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
