I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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