I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
