Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
