it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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